With My Emotions

I'm not the same person now that I was September 2, 2015 when I was told "brain, lung, spine" at Duke. Up until that moment I was happily stage 3b melanoma. I knew something was going on due to some symptom, but the extend completely floored me. I sat there in the dr's office and just cried. I knew what "brain" meant and add lung and spine (bone) to it and I reaay knew what that meant. I knew what was coming, I just didn't know when. I still don't know when, but I've traveled a path of emotions. Let me tell you about and tell you where I am now.

We all have emotions and we're all different people. This is about me. I can't write about you, but I can tell you what this has been like for me and maybe it will hekp you somehow. I hope so.

I've always been a practical person...a trait i inherited from both my parents...Mama even more so than Daddy. I'm a naturally happy person, my son says I'm "too perky". I'm realistic, like both my parents and whule they both see life as the glass beung half full, MY glass overflows. The lens in my glasses are reality and they are colored deep rosy red. That's who I am naturally. Oh, and those lens are also looked through theoogically. I have to find God in everything or I can't function.

Back in Sep 2015, I cried. A lot. Sometimes I'd be feeling like me and thrn it would hit me. From out of nowhere. That eventually lessened as I just didn't have the time to dwell on this. The battle was engaged and it had to be fought and that's where my energy went. Plus, I just didn't want to go to the place where I felt sorry for me. I have a huband who was giving me his heroical best and he needed my best for him. My two grown children and son-in-law needed me to model for then how to do this and I sure didn't want to show them a nasty Mma! My two young grandchldren didn't understand what was going on and why I stayed in bed, but I sure as heck wanted THEM to see the best me possible. My fight has never been about me, it has been about them and for them. I was satisfied in Sept 2015 to go home and live out my days like I wanted to. My plans didn't include Duke, surgery, raiation, and toxic drugs. Not me. But my son chanjed my mind and my daugher, husband and son-in-law joined in. THEY wanted me to fight to live. To do whatever the drs wanted me to do. So to make rhem happy, I put my feelings aside and did what they wanted.

I had 4 brain tumrs to deal with first. They were all spread out so they removed the largest. After it healed somewhat, they did 5 rounds of raiation on by brain and spine at the same time. All this time, Mitch and I went back and forth to Duke as I healed. Mitch worked and I spent the days at Mama's so I was never left alone.

I was happy to be able to be home. I did good with the surgery and radiation. Mama did the cooking as no one wanted me around the stove. We all knew there was never any telling what my brain would decide to do. I still had my crying spells at night when Mitch was alseep...he saw a few, but he didn't see most of them. I needed to let everyoe see a brave face and I needed that for myself. Even with my damaged brain I knew it was important for me to face this honestly but yet nicely around peopel and to be the old me as best as I could. This disease brought about some changes in me. I'll be damned if I was going to let it chaange evetything. Probably that was the biggest battle for me...to be ME as best I could. I wasn't going to let death or anything else get me down for good.

After my brain did some healing I was started on the Opdivo-Yervoy combo and did 2 rounds. My drs were pleased I was able to do that much because a lot of people can't do but one round. It liked to have killed me and that second round landed me at Duke for 2 weeks. Mitch never left my side and I honestly didn't think I was going to leave Duke. I thought I was dying and so did Mitch for a while there. Needless to say, the combo was dropped. I went back home, stayed in bed, had no enery or strenth, or appitite. It took me a looooooooong time to get back to a somewhat diet and eat. I still drink a lot of milk everyday, It was milk that got me through that time. And God. God has been with me every step.

I honestly don't rememebr what my emotions were then. I do rememebr never lashing out at anybody at Duke excpet one tiem when I was trying my best to get a dr to listen to what I was trying to tell her and she just wouldn't hear me out. Other than that one time, I nice to folks, eveb thru all the jabs and pokes...they were doing their job and not trying to hur me. The longer I was there the worse that time got. I wasn't in pain...they had good stuff to take crae of that!....but all the needles took their toll on the veins in my right arm. My left arm has lymphedema and can't have needls. So all draws and everything was done on my right arm and the vein structure was destroyed. After two weeks I was able to go home. I didn't die aftter all and they put me on Zelboraf. After a few weeks they added Colettic. After a few weeks they had to take me off the Colettic and a few weeks larer they took me off the Zel.

I can't do drugs. Never have been able to. I can't even take aspirin without side effects. These chemicals took a toll on me and there was no more after that.

I say June, Mitch says July, 2016, the tumors in my brain were back and I was given a month. I still didn't spend my time crying though I did still have my times when tears would fall. But not for long and never when anybody could see them except Mitch. I wanted spending my time, in bed as I was, with my family as best as I could and I wanted them to know I was OK and we had time to talk.

I never got angry during this time. I had worked out my anger back in 2008 when I was first diagnosed. I didn't want to eat up the rest of my life being angry. I wanted my family to have good memories of me. And above all, I needed to them to see me living my faith even as I was dying. And I was dying. In mid-August 2016 we all though my time had come. Good byes were said, tears were shed. And I was OK. God had gotten me to a place where I was truly at peace. When I first came home from Duke I was taking up to 5 high dose pain killer, NOW however, I was down to 1 or 2. I had aleady looked death in the face and knew I could do what I had to do/ I wasn't scared. I really wasn't. I had expected me to be eaten yp with fear, but I wasn't. I was calm. Serene, at peace.

And I lived through it! I did't die after all. I've never been back to Duke. Mitch can get me in a wheelchair to the sofa now where I spend my days. I can't expalain what happened. Christmas miracle? The toxic chemicals side effects worked out? A combination of both? God working through the chemicals and now I'm living with the good they brought and the toxic part is gone? I don't know. But I di know that I'm doing better now than I've done i  months! Not complaining.

Since I'm not going back to Duke, I have no clue what my melanoma is doing. Don't want to know. I'm a miracle nand I knw it and I donn't plan to mess that up! I'm enjoying my life as it is. It's far more than I ever exxpected it to be lasst Augucy when I was dying.

I know this disease. I don't know the time I have left. Death is a part of life but, as a person of faaith, it's only the beginning to LIFE! Twice now I've looked death in the face, got close enogh to almost kiss, and God said "I don't think so. Not now." I'm fine with that.

I've seen more time than I ever dreamed of having in August. I've seen more of my children and grandchildren than I ever thought I would bakc in August. They've all gotten to see THIS me and gotten their own up close and personal glimpse of what God can do.

I don't have a clue as to what's going on inside me. I know something is, but I don't know exacctly what. I don't want to know either. Emotionally I;m in a suprisingly great place. I'm not afraid,,,that fear has already been faced and overcome. I'm not miserable...I'm happy and so gald to still be here. I'm not full of complaints...I;m full of joy. God has been busy!

Nope. I'm not who I was. I'm far better. I've been through a lot and I've still got stuff to go through and I don't know what exactly. But none of us know what our futues holds.

But I do know WHO holds my future and I know, without a doubt, I can can through it and celebrate my victory over it as I run through the Gates of Praise. THAT much I di know!

Be strong. Smile. Share your love and joy and laughter with the ones you love while you can.

Do what's imprtaant and do it with the right attitude...not in fear and dread. We only pass this way but once. Make your once count. Be a blessing, even if it's always in bed or ina chair, and be blessed.

charis